As I’m here getting ready to wrap up this year and say hello to 2018, I can’t help but to get a little emotional when I look back and realize how far I’ve came.
Lately I keep replaying a memory I have of myself standing in my room at my grandma’s house watching Kristina yang from “Grey’s Anatomy” perform a bad ass surgery and thinking to myself “I don’t know what I want my profession to be when I grow up, all I know is that I want to become a woman little girls want to be like when they grow up” I am twenty-one years old today and although I don’t want to be Kristina yang anymore, I still want to become a woman people look up to.
Growing up I somehow always felt like many times all odds were against me, and felt like it was 100x harder for me to accomplish things than it was for others not because of my abilities, but because of my circumstances. I remember wondering “when would it be my time”
As I write this, all I keep thinking about is my 10-year-old self and wishing I was there to tell myself to keep dreaming, although I may have not had a clue of what I was telling myself since I didn’t know any English then haha. And to my 17 year self struggling to get into a college for being undocumented, wish I was there to reassure myself that yes, your “time” it’s on it’s way.
Today I am a twenty-one year old woman, I am a wife, I am a daughter, I am a friend, I am Ana. Ana the 12 year girl didn’t know English, the 19 year Ana busting her butt working as a waitress working 40+ hours a week while being a full-time college student with all odds against her.
Remembering my roots and where I come from and how far I’ve came is ridiculously important to me. Having all of this present reminds me of my “purpose”
Thinking about my “purpose” reminds me of all the sacrifices my parents had to go through and still do today to provide me a better quality of life.
My “purpose” isn’t all about the 12-year-old Mexican girl who didn’t know English and tried so hard to be accepted by the white and black kids at my elementary school, but to the 21-year-old self I am today, who still doubts her self at times. My “purpose” is to let my mom know that all the people’s houses she had to clean and all the late nights and all the extra shifts were worth it. My “purpose” is for my husband to one day think to himself “wow, that’s my wife” and for our future children to be proud to have a mother like me. My “purpose” pushes me to become the woman I want to be and all the steps I’ve taken to become to woman. And it encompasses the nights crying trying to figure out who the hell I am and who am I supposed to be. It does not discriminate the times I’ve spent comparing myself to others attempting to become a little more like them to be accepted. Because that means that my “purpose” is rooted within me making all of me good enough. Because a purpose simply wouldn’t be complete without imperfections, flaws, stretch marks, ugly cries, dirty dishes or failing grades.
Because my motivation to strive is not a quote from a cliché movie, but rather the way of life I desire to live that I believe will be perfect for me. Because I am Ana, the girl who has struggled with her identity growing up, her interest, her passions, her likes and dislikes, and her finances and her relationships with other just like anyone else; I am just choosing to pursue happiness. One thing I’ve leaned is that trying to pressing the happiness others are going after is a waste of time, I know this because I’ve done it.
I can not wait to venture this new stage in my life where I will be going back to college to become something that I will and enjoy doing, along with pressuring all the things that fill me up with happiness and peace of mind. I can’t wait to keep meeting new people. I can’t wait to keep helping all of my special need students live their life to their fullest capacity. I cant wait to keep bettering my relationship with my husband. I cant wait to reach all of my goals.
I cant wait to say I did this. I did this because I willed it for myself. I did this because I am the product of many sacrifices. I did this because I believe in myself and others believe in me. I did this because this is who I was meant to be. I cant wait to become the teacher, the wife , the daughter, the friend and the woman I strive to be .To empower myself and others. I cant wait to keep writing my story.